How I Make My Life Difficult!

Here is just one example: I am hurrying to send an e-mail to an important person in my life (it can be business related or personal) and I read it through thinking it is ready. I push “send”.

As soon as the e-mail leaves my outbox, I realize that the wrong person was CC’ed, or a word in the e-mail was unintentionally harsh, inappropriate or presumptuous.

The feeling in my gut is almost unbearable at this point. Various expletives (not for print here) dance around in my head!

Why did I not wait to send it?

Why did I not think of this before I sent it?

How can I be so thoughtless/stupid/inconsiderate/….?

 

And no matter how much I  wrestle with myself, I cannot undo the action. Done is done – there is no way back. And then comes the self-blame.

Self-blame is like fire – if left unattended it consumes everything in its path!

My day is now shaped by it. It casts a long shadow over my relationships with innocent bystanders such as business associates, and (especially) husband and kids by a sense of dread that I carry with me. I feel bad about me – therefore I have much less attention to give to other areas of my life. I am moody and short-tempered.

Isn’t it interesting that when we beat up on ourselves, we are really taking away attention from what we could be doing? We are less likely to have any excess energy, which means we won’t help our own situation or that of others,  and we are less likely to reach out and be of service. Much of our energy goes towards listening to that critical voice in our heads that is busy beating up on us!

Being in the throes of self-blame is a selfish act.

Think about it…

My daily practice has turned towards separating  self-blame from self-reflection. It is necessary to learn from our mistakes if we want to grow. And spending a little time and deciding what could be done better or more thoughtfully is usually beneficial (even if it is just to let a few minutes pass, do something else, and then read the same important e-mail with fresh eyes).

Yet to self-blame is completely useless!

Perfection is a town in Russia – but we can strive for excellence by learning from our previous actions! 

We can free ourselves from the self-imposed prison of thinking we need to be perfect by celebrating that we learn from our mistakes.  In a sense, if we learn from our mistakes, then they are indeed our greatest teachers and therefore causes for celebration!

For me, this helps to minimize of the guilt, shame and self-blame that I normally treat myself to when I screw up – and I get more done!

And still…. right now I kind of dread pushing that “publish” button over to the right….. And I take a moment – do something else – read it again. Then I push that button and move on!

(The Larger Than Life Coaching blog is in the process of moving to www.marietrout.com. To continue being subscribed – please go there and sign-up.)

 

 

Glass “Half-Empty” Blues

“I am just sick of negative people!”

I overheard a person the other day that was complaining along those lines. And the more she complained the more the other person looked ready to run away. And many times we do this: we are not aware that we are sending into the world the exact thing we profess to dislike ourselves.

Negativity is not inspiring and rarely brings with it anything constructive.

Here is a well-known story from the oral tradition of the Cherokee Nation:

A Grandfather from the Cherokee Nation was talking with his grandson.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight between two wolves.”

The young grandson listened intently.

“One wolf is anger, envy, war, greed, selfishness, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority/superiority, false pride, coarseness, and arrogance. He spreads lies, deceit, fear, hatred, blame, scarcity, poverty, and divisiveness.”

The other wolf is friendly, joyful, loving, worthy, serene, humble, kind, benevolent, just, fair, empathetic, generous, honest, compassionate, grateful, brave, and inspiring resting wholeheartedly in deep vision beyond ordinary wisdom.”

Grandfather continued; “This same fight is going on inside you and inside all human beings as well.”

The grandson paused in deep reflection and recognition of what his grandfather had just said. Then he finally asked;

“Grandfather, which wolf will win this horrific war?”

The elder Cherokee replied, “The wolf that you feed!”

Many of us intend to feed the joyful and loving sides of ourselves. Yet we still “fall into” being negative. Our family, partners, friends and business associates are on the receiving end. And if our intentions and actions don’t line up – it doesn’t matter how well we mean it – it is our actions they respond to.

So how do we change this habit of inadvertently and unconsciously getting side-tracked into fearful and divisive actions, no matter how well-intended we might be?

A new practice takes time to become a new habit. And “feeding our inner wolves” is all about practice.

In coaching we look at what habits we can change. By doing this, we also modify how we perceive the world. We have a choice if we want to see ourselves living out a self-fulfilling travesty or experience forward-moving momentum.

According to the law of attraction, like attracts like! And so feeding our own inner sense of love and worthiness attracts it into our lives. Feeding our own sense of fear and dread likewise attracts that which we do not want.

It can start simply. By starting to listen to the statements we make almost without even noticing:

“I will never figure this out.”

“Why even bother!”

“It is a scary world we live in”

It is not about whether these statements are true or false. It is a matter of sending out statements that affects the way we think, the way we feel and ultimately the way we act. And our world responds accordingly. It mirrors back to us, what we put out.

An example of another way to express the feelings at the root of the above statements could be:

“I love learning new things”

“If I don’t try I will never know.”

“I am thankful for ……. in my world”

Some of my clients install an internal “Eeyore alarm”. And when they feel tempted to make a negative statement, they remind themselves that here is an opportunity for reframing in a new way to get a result they really want. As they start aligning their intentions with their actions, their world starts responding accordingly.

Over time and with practice, it becomes as natural as riding a bike – and as perceptions change, so do lives.